So in the event of Geocities going down this fall, I’ve gone and weeded through my old files to see if anything is worth saving. Random pictures, Facebooking the names I can remember (which luckily, the two that I do remember are already in contact with me :D), and laughing at my overall angstyness. K16 and K17 (Karen at 16 and 17) were definitely interesting people to be around.

On a random tangent: I received a letter from myself about two weeks ago, dated June 11, 2004. I think this was about a week from when I graduated high school. My math teacher asked us to write a letter addressed to ourselves and attach it with double of the current postage price to the envelope. I was kind of an idiot, but I really wanted to hug K17 because she sounded so excited about everything. But more on that later! (Maybe not)

So anyway, I find this! Because I really have no interest in briefing the Plessy v. Ferguson trial at 2 am, I’m going to go ahead and make fun of myself (and others) for a bit here :D Plus, it’s always fun to go through old archives to make fun of yourself in. It’s a growth thing, I promise. (You could probably stop reading here, since the list below really only entertains this certain nocturnal and bored party of one)

1. I can’t believe I used…to..talk…like this….all the time. Hello, ellipses! It may be totally hypocritical of me now, but I tend to stop paying attention when somebody types like that online.

2. I …. can’t……get over…….this.

3. The guy I was talking to (Tofurecords) also ……talks….like…..this. We used to talk for a bit last year, but I’m pretty sure he’s blocked me from AIM now. I think it’s because I more or less called him a chickenshit for not being more assertive with the girl he has a thing for and then complaining about it when his friend moves in on her. Or maybe its because I compared his affinity for President Obama to that of a fair-weather sports fan. I’m really not too sure. In any event, me and the other girl discussed about in the conversation (Susie) had this thing for this guy back in 2003 for God-knows-what reason, and he enjoyed the attention and sort of played us both. I dropped out of the race when I found out he was a fuggo. (Hey, I’m a superficial hypocrite. At least I’ve got the decency to admit it. I’m not even sure why I’m trying to justify myself here. Boy was horrifically overweight and was in desperate need of a reality-check when it came down to his health. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but what’s the point if you’re dead due to weight-related health issues? Okay, that was cold.)

4. The other girl mentioned was Susie, who is actually really nice when you can get over the bit where she’s a still a drama queen and attention whore. Just . . in different situations. I’m pretty sure we all are. She hasn’t changed much since I’ve met her though, and I’m not sure whether or not that’s a good thing. Who am I to say? This is just through lame speculation over Myspace Blogs and Facebook updates. She annoyed the living shit out of me in 2003 though. Plus, she had this thing for being overly sensitive and misinterpreting things (to which I just naturally assumed was based from her being illiterate or something) which has been a long-standing combination that automatically puts a person on my: do not talk to in a bad mood list. But none of that really matters since she’s got a cute face, does it? DOES IT?

5. The last person mentioned is one of my closest friend’s girlfriend, so out of respect for him , I won’t say anything. Besides, anybody who is around me long enough to know about K17 probably already knows that my opinions on her haven’t changed much than what the conversation linked suggests. Then again, she and I were never on good terms to begin with, and she was the youngest of the bunch, so maybe that has a lot to do with it. I keep going back and forth from being rational and wanting to just spill out what I really think. I’m not showing personal growth here, am I? :/ Moving along!

6. I was waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyy. …………… overdramatic. That hasn’t changed much, unfortuantely.

7. By the way, I have no idea what the hell is going on in that conversation. But I’m pretty sure that if you searched it, the line “marry susie, and fucking run yourselves over, okay?” comes up. I was hardcore.

About three weeks ago I’m walking down the street with my friend to his car, when partway down the road he asks “where do we go from here?”

The question went right over my head and I replied with “I thought we were getting food?” What can I say? I was hungry, tired, and bored of reading up on Latin America. Being dense was totally okay.

“No .. where do we go from here in our lives?”

I go through life waiting for people like him to ask me questions like that — the right questions best discussed over green tea in hipster coffee joints, except now that one has I realized I didn’t have an answer. I’m pretty sure I gave him some lame ass answer about going through life with me as friends. He high-five’d me. Question successfully averted!

I bring this up now because I’m reregistering for admission to PCC, as a fallback plan if I don’t find myself a real job/find out what to do with my life by the end of summer. I’m undecided as to whether or not I actually want to go into teaching, especially after taking my capstone course. I have no doubt that I can be a great teacher, but I don’t know if this is the right time for it. It also only took me five years to realize that I stink as a history major. I’ve managed to guess my way back into my account only to have the first question ask “intended major or program of study” and realize that here I am, age 22, still not knowing what the fuck I want to be when I grow up.

So I’m standing in my friend M’s living room while he’s puttering around in the kitchen, waiting for his breakfast to heat up.

One of my coworkers has been a total shithead lately and he kills my spirits every time I’m near him. I generally ignore his existence, although he bickers with my other coworkers every morning and they all drive me insane. I guess I didn’t have to tell him to shut up, but it wasn’t like it was uncalled for. I’m not really upset over his reaction towards it since I probably deserved it. Still, I don’t need to go through this crap every morning. He’s a jerk to everybody and he doesn’t even do any work, and nobody’s been able to do a thing about it because my supervisor has been out for the past month.

I had spent the whole walk to my friend’s loft complaining about this asshole, wishing for comically large objects to fall on his head, wishing to throw beehives into his car, or just be able to lock him in a dirty room and watch his obsessive-compulsive ass squirm. It got to the point where I wished chemicals would burn his eyes so that he would never be able to photograph a single thing again.

“God Karen, why do you let him bring out the worst in you? You’re better than this.”

So we reach his loft and he puts on a Smith’s record. He’s humming to “The Headmaster’s Ritual” while waiting for the food to heat up. I’m looking at all of the records he’s collected over the years. He must have had over a hundred, and I knew that he knew every song by heart. Everything in this room was impeccably placed to perfection.

M and I have known each other for a little over a year now. His birthday gifts to me decorates my desk and my obsession over great music comes from his constant recommendations. My favorite book, The Little Prince, was a gift from him last August. I was puzzled at why would buy me a children’s book at first until I read it and realized that I learned more from that children’s novel than I ever have during the last five years of college.

Although mine and M’s relationship isn’t as close as it used to be, I realized then and there, standing in the living room that he shares with his girlfriend, that all of the things that I like most about myself — my patience, my incredibly awesome taste in music, the fact that I love stripes and epaulettes — were qualities that were either amplified or established by this man. He brought passion into areas of life that I didn’t even know existed. I didn’t appreciate it then, as I was only a kid being led into a world I was unfamiliar but fascinated with. I know now that I’m here to stay. It finally feels like I belong (somewhere, not sure where, but I have a general idea now), and I am so thankful for that. Often times, people don’t realize how much impact a person can have on their lives until that person is gone. I’ve been fortunate to have mine still around.

“Hey M?”
“Yeah?”
“Thank you.”
“For what?”
“I was . . . a mess when you met me. I didn’t know what I liked. I was coasting through life liking things without ever being able to explain why. I wasn’t passionate about anything and it was because I wasn’t even aware that the venue to love something that wasn’t human existed. I mean I did since they feed you that crap on TV all the time, but I didn’t know where to find mine. I still don’t, but now I know where to look. So now I’m working on fixing it. So . .thank you for being the catalyst. You changed my life, and I don’t think I’ve ever told you that. Just . .thought you should know.”

His face lights up and he gives me a hug. He also hands me a thermos full of coffee to take back to work. It’s blond and delivers a good kick to the taste buds, just the way I like it.

“You’re welcome”

We are so late coming back to work. Asshole Coworker is giving me a face, even though he consistently takes 40 minute breaks several times a day. What did any of it matter now? I sip my coffee and have a damn good rest of the day.

I have decided on a new approach to my lesson plans! I will work on the projects first, since being open minded on project ideas isn’t my area of expertise and then somehow tie them all together with this brilliant, well-thought out thesis and 5 equally brilliant subtheses! KAREN, TIM GUNNING IT. MAKING IT WORK. OHOHOHOHO.

With that said, I’m probably going to get a shitty grade on this portion of my lesson plan. And then I would be able to say “FUCK OPEN MINDEDNESS. MY WAY WORKED THE FIRST TIME I SHOULD HAVE NEVER TRIED BEING OPEN. I TOLD YOU”. Except there’s nobody here to yell at but myself since I’m the only one telling myself that I’m not open minded enough. Does that make any sense? UGH.

I just finished my eight paged paper only to find out that none of the machines at school are working. But I spoke to my teacher about it and he was cool about me emailing it to him. I neither want to work on my lesson plans or study for my Economics exam, so I thought: What better time to do a half-year checkup than now? :B

I’m allowed to have those weird twenty-two who-am-I moments, right? They don’t tell you these things in high school when all I worried over were boys and parental issues. That in fact, things do get worse when you’re twenty-two and all you want to do is go back to the days you were a crying emo child at sixteen with the knowledge that you have now — that things will get better once you’re seventeen. . . only to get worse when you’re twenty-two. I suppose in another six years I’ll have another one of these standing-at-crossroads moments and will be longing for the days I was twenty-two and sixteen. To be honest, I really can’t see myself at 28. If I make it that long, I’m pretty sure I’ll be freaking out over the big 30, the age where Asians stop looking 17 and age before your eyes.

Alright! I’ve successfully bored myself! This will be done at another time!