I have this unfortunate habit of looking down at the shoes of the person who is in the stall next to mine when I’m in the bathroom. Don’t ask me why — I don’t really know. So when I was working at the DOJ, I’d often look down into the stall next to mine, if anybody was in it. So one day, I heard a woman whose feet looked like she jammed it into a poor set of pointy-tipped heels that was literally bursting at the seams humming something while she was doing her business. The frick? I didn’t know if the woman just had fat feet and every pair of heels she would wear would look like chubby little plantains shoved into pointy shoes, or if they were the heels themselves. Plantain Feet and I would often have awkward bathroom conversations while washing our hands at the sink. She was a pleasant woman, but I could not get over her feet (I also never caught her name, so I’ve been calling her Plantain Feet).
So I’m at Payless today looking for a pair of black close-toed kitten heels for my interview tomorrow and the hot salesman and I are deciding between a pair of shiny pointy-toed heels and a round-toed heel. The shiny one was obviously hotter and I was just about to buy then when I say loudly “Oooooh crap, I can’t buy these! What the frick was I thinking?!”
Poor hot salesguy. He is soooo confused.
“Huh? Why not?”
So I explain to him about Plantain Feet — the way her foot looked like little bananas smooshed into her heels, the fact that she would always hum some undefinable tune while she pissed, and how I couldn’t stop staring at her feet whenever she would walk by. “I can’t buy these! I have plantain feet in them!” Hot Salesguy looked at me as if I were crazy.
“So um . . yeah. I’m going to go ahead and buy these slightly-less shiny shoes now . . . .”
I hate when women wear shoes that make their feet look all smooshed. I mean come one, no matter what you’re wearing – pants, shoes, whatever – if it’s too small it just makes you look even bigger.