I’ve been doing well. Been spending my nights reading Murakami novels in your absence. Hehe, I know. Nothing you can really control. I understand. I’ve been writing notes on the edges of Hard Boiled Wonderland and the End of the World, in hopes of finally being able to understand what I’m reading. It isn’t working. J gets annoyed when I read the ends of the book first, but I know that it doesn’t even matter in this case since I could read every Murakami novel ten times each and still not know what I’ve just read.

Other than that, I’m getting along okay. On Thursday, I went into an interview for a job that has the potential to change my life completely. J hooked me up with the interview — go figure, huh? I don’t even try to make sense of our lovehate relationship anymore. But anyway, if I get the job that means I might finally be able to get my teeth fixed. Maybe even move out. I’m trying not to count the chickens before they hatch, but it’s kind of hard not to. Maybe I was exaggerating when I said that it would change my life completely — it is for a receptionist position and it will be a while of saving up before I could move out . . but maybe I would finally be able to breathe easier on issues regarding my health. Hey, I’ll take what I can get. As for the interview, I brought my A game. I could not have done better than what I did. I’m still hoping that all of the other applicants dressed like crazy pharaohs though.

Oh! I also got my license on Tuesday. I barely passed the driving test since I turned into the wrong lane (I thought the lane I was supposed to turn into was a bike lane . . ) and forgot to check for pedestrians on a few stops . . but whatever. I passed! Haha, right now my parents and I are in the process of looking for a new car. It annoys me to my core knowing that I can’t say “I bought this car with my own money,” but right now the teeth come first. We can finally go on the long rides that I love.

It’s May now and we haven’t spoken for about a month. It’s going to be one busy month. Tomorrow I’m going to a huge party at the boyfriend’s house . . you know, actually figure out how to behave in large groups. Remember the last time I told you about how well I do in large groups? The noise all around me begins to suffocate me, my breathing becomes labored, and all I want to do is run to the safe little haven that you and I created. But I think I’m getting a lot less awkward with that. It’s funny — I work with huge groups every day. The kids don’t make my skin crawl though (although sometimes I want to beat in some of their faces). On Sunday I’m going out for a long drive with another friend of mine. In two weeks I’ll be flying up to Sacramento to take a state exam so that I can finally apply for a state job (which reminds me — I need to go and study for that). Two days after that, I’ll be getting oral surgery on the third quadrant of my mouth. Haha, that’ll be the week I lose weight :B I see The National live a week after that. It’s going to be crazy.

I don’t know. I’m excited. I’m growing into my skin. Things with the boyfriend have been pretty good. What small handful of friends that I have are the most fantastic people I’ve ever met. For the most part, I know what I like and I know what I want. The words “paying for gas” are creeping into my vocabulary. I’m finding myself growing very fond of a six year old who physically can’t stay in her assigned seat and likes naming erasers with me. Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t something that just came to me during the month that you were gone — your presence (or lack thereof) doesn’t stifle my personal growth (to my knowledge). But I can feel the change everywhere. I’m not resisting it. The changes, be it that I’m starting to sound like one of them folks who talk about credit checks and miles per gallon and how bad Tang tastes, are good ones. I’m not excluded from the groups anymore! But.

Here’s the thing, T. You’re not in it. I understand that we’ve fucked up our relationship pretty well this year and we’ve threatened to close the doors, but the door-closing threats were always something that we chose to do. This isn’t like all of the other the times when we threatened to leave each other’s lives. We’re still on friendly terms. And yet, we’re not as close as we used to be. You’re no longer in that little imaginary coffee shop that you and I created, the land we called the Four Moons where only you and I had access to. I don’t think it’s necessarily a bad thing though. Sometimes I think that our K&T exclusive land did more damage than good, since it allowed only you access to the realms other people don’t even know about. You knew you are my weakness and took advantage of that. It’s all cool — I wanted you to. It’s why you had the key. But you always left such a mess.

I guess what I’m really trying to say is that I miss you. I miss the way we used to be, talking during all hours of the night in the dreamworld that we created. But I know that recreating the memories isn’t possible now. I’m going to keep on walking because the change has already begun. Try not to fall behind, okay? I already miss you enough.

With Tranquility,
Karen.

You just learned about Jason Mraz and loved how laid back and pleasant his music was. You said that there was no point to listening to sad music — that loneliness was a choice. I took a look at my own playlist and realized that if you took out the sad songs, you would be left with nothing but a handful of crappy DDR songs, trance mixes, and MGMT’s “Electric Feel.”

And so upstairs of the Student Union, on the tables where we would meet, you would play “Lucky”. Sometimes you would sing along. You didn’t care when I suggested that you were being completely rude because not everybody wanted to hear that song played on repeat, or that your singing voice was just awful. You said everybody else had their earphones on anyway so who would notice if your music was turned up? So you would go right ahead, turning the song up, singing both parts of the duet terribly, and generally not caring or noticing that you were getting some pretty nasty stares from others around you.

The song would echo down the hall. You would sing, flash that smile of yours, announce how much you love the song, replay the damn thing, and preform an encore.

I actually can’t stand the song. It’s a boring song. I’m not even sure why I had it downloaded in the first place. But I realized that I keep it around because it reminds me of you. You were singing, I was laughing, and we were both having a great time. I was never really that lonely when you were around despite the sad songs I would always play during your breaks. I do know a thousand people, like you said. I probably know more. But I am really glad to have met you.

/Sap

No refrigerators. No point of view excuses.

Its not staying up late that makes my body weak. Living with you in this damn house, with this damn family — thats what makes me weak.

This post is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Password:

I’m glad you stayed around and waited for me :3

Love always,
Karen

Unfortunately, thats the only pro about waiting to cry while you’re in the shower. Its not even a pro, but I think I’ve discussed that already. What’s more pathetic is when you’re doing this weak crying scene in the shower and forget that you have water washing away the soap from your hair and get soap in your eyes.

And then when I got out of the shower, after my moment of patheticness, my mom gets mad at me because I’m not supposed be washing my hair at night because she thinks it makes people go blind.

And you think “Hey, its only a half hour into Wednesday, things could pick up” until you realize how bleak the rest of the day will suck. Because of plans that change, that aren’t supposed to change, but should change, and then him leaving like every other guy I’ve been with, or something. And you think maybe its because I’ve been unreasonable about the changing plans, but its not about that anymore, is it?

But fuck it all, I’m going to play Guild Wars.

Parents don’t get it D:

-Karen

Sometimes I run on about how “you don’t know me”, because well, it annoys me. In truth, I think you see right through me and is just playing along to humour me.

Soooooooooooooooooo annoying that you’re right.

-Karen

Dear X,
I miss you. Sometimes I feel like this is the only place where I can say it without you having to make a fuss about how we’ll meet soon and how I should’t pressure you. I understand that you’re busy and that we can’t meet as often as we’d like. I know this, and you know I’ll wait. I just wanted to say that I miss you, okay? No ulterior motives.

I love you,
Karen

Dear X,
Stop feeling like crap. We, as in the body you’re not taking care of, are angry at you. D: Stop moping around over him, stop regretting things you know you couldn’t have prevented, stop whining about your current situation and take care of us.

-Your angry body