ANDNOTHINGELSE

This annoys me.

So I’m talking to him and the conversation gets pretty serious. At least, as serious as it could get for two strangers who don’t know each other well.

Sometimes I like to replay the scene in my head, to make sure I’ve said all I needed to. That I’ve got the words down right, so to avoid confusion or be able to better elaborate the next time. So in my head I’m going over our conversation when he says something that derails all my own logic and I can’t for the life of me remember how I replied.

Did I laugh it off? Did I say “I don’t care?” Did I switch the topic? Or was I honest and said something to the extent of “I don’t need to know, but I’m yours to talk to if you want to tell me. I know what I feel and I like you as you are now”?

God please let me have said that and not something stupid.

§1073 · February 26, 2009 · Dumb things I say to attractive men, People, Uncategorized · (No comments) ·

Somnambuli

We’re walking through an emptied basement of King Hall, the building that I spend the most of my time in on campus, at around 9:30 pm. I hear there are ghosts roaming around the building at night/early in the morning, but I don’t see any. I keep my eyes peeled for something to zip by us, or doors to randomly start slamming, or a woman standing at the end of the hall and disappears by the time we look again. It’s not often that I have company when I’m walking through these halls at night so I’m kind of hoping something might happen when I do so that I wouldn’t be too scared. I find nothing. What a bummer, right?

As if reading my mind, he asks me how many zombies I think are in King Hall right now.

“Two. Just me and you.”

He smiles and kisses my forehead. We had spent the good part of the evening on the roof of the building, overlooking the cities and finding out about each other. He’s not at all like the men I’m usually attracted to, and I’m attracted to that. No pretenses, no random acts of kindness to be mistaken for performance from my own paranoia and distrust because lets-face-it-he’s-not-that-kind, and no expectations. He is such a bad idea.

I suppose in the days following my last failure at a relationship, I’ve stopped hunting for love and companionship. The longing for somebody to truly understand me without being presumptuous has long since dissolved by a series of let downs by people I’ve been emotionally invested in (not necessarily getting let down, but that I’ve got disproportionate expectations). I’m lonesome, but I’ll be okay. What friends I do have are completely wonderful and have been keeping me grounded and I’m finally glad I’m able to see that now.

I told him that I wasn’t looking for a relationship, and although I can’t see him because I’m staring off into the light pollution below us, I’m pretty sure he lets out a sigh of relief. I hate clingy guys. I hear him saying that we’d make a good team, but I don’t think he can see me smile in agreement. He’s gazing into the light-covered mountains in front of us.

I have the second of four oral surgeries in twenty minutes. I am not going to be very friendly this weekend, but I have the support from family and friends who wish nothing but the best for me :] Even though it’s going to feel like a horse kicked me in the jaw and I won’t be able to properly eat for the next month and I still have to study for my stupid midterms, I am the happiest I’ve been in a very long time.

§1023 · February 6, 2009 · Conversations, People, Ugh, your body is totally decaying., Uncategorized · 1 comment ·

For the record:

Wearing blue plaid button up blouse, blue gym shorts, blue leggings, black converse, and a brown jacket that fits a little loose on an 80 degree day because you were too lazy to change into pants after your Tai Chi class and because you have no grasp on the weather will illicit strange looks from everybody, including the hot tattooed guy who decided to randomly speak to you and the charming geography major in your evening class.

§952 · January 15, 2009 · Artwork, People, Uncategorized · 1 comment ·

Time; Disguises

ATWUNIFORM

Yesterday after hopping off the bus, I pop by Rose’s Donuts for some pastries. A few girls that I graduated with in high school walk in after me and I notice one of them giving me strange looks.

It could be that I was dressed like my interpretation of an modern ninja (read: retard in black) or that I was wearing a black fedora (that I guess you don’t see often on modern ninjas?), but I could definitely see the wheels in her head asking herself how she knows me.

So I wave hello, and she smiles. I’m terrible at striking up conversations with my gender.

Mindless rambling about the idiosyncrasies of ninjas in the fashion world aside, whats the point of me being on your Facebook friends list if you’re not going to bother visiting my profile every so often? Hi, I’m Karen. You know, the girl whose locker in gym class was behind yours? We talked about how much we hated gym and how hot Stephen S. was. You’ve seen me in my panties. Hello?

Its funny. No matter what I wear, how I present myself, or the fact that I’m generally really nice, I’m still that awkward 15 year old gawked at like some bad social experiment by those who considered themselves my “friends”.

§853 · December 22, 2008 · Artwork, People, Uncategorized · 2 comments ·

The mirror paints your reflection,

So Porcelain just put new songs up on their myspace list n__n. I’m super happy that they put up “Seek to Find”, since its my favorite song of theirs. In it, Ben plays this freaking amazing guitar solo that just blows my mind away. Although I must say . . . they’re one of the few bands that sound best live. O: I think they sound so much more powerful on stage (granted, the only time I’ve seen them was at the small Hotel Cafe where the lead singer was literally touchable if you just stuck your arm out . . the whole personal thing could have done it for me :B). Make sure to check their music out!! <3

I can’t wait for their CD :D

Its been an incredibly long day today. I wound up asking a coworker for coffee (I’ve not really done that since I started going out with John, but our schedules suck and he’s there the days I’m not :B) despite the fact that half the building thinks John and I have broken up while the other half just thinks I’m cheating on him with whatever male coworker I happen to be alone with at the time. But its okay, since he’s a really cool guy.

By then, I wanted to jump out of my skin. I wanted to pace around and scream. I wanted to yell and cry, and I didn’t know why. It could have been that ridiculously stupid office luncheon I had to attend, or the noise that my other coworkers were making outside of the door. It could have been the fact that while my section was swamped with work and understaffed, that the rest of the building dumps off their work to gossip away while crowding up the halls for some free food (that quite frankly, sucked). It was the stupidity of it all and it only reminded me of how much I hate my job. Slaving away over a shitty copy machine while the rest of the place stuffs their fat faces. It could have been that one of them made some snarky remark at me that I didn’t take too well. It could have just been that I was having a shitty day.

But I did none of that, so I had my coffee and tried to be personable. :B

“You’re not one of those emo kids, are you?”
Shit! My cool exterior is blown!
-”Do I look like one?”

At least the Porcelain track that’s playing on my computer sounds great [:

§501 · May 7, 2008 · Conversations, Headaches, Listen, People, Uncategorized, Work · (No comments) ·

← Older entries