As if reading my mind, he asks me how many zombies I think are in King Hall right now.

“Two. Just me and you.”

He smiles and kisses my forehead. We had spent the good part of the evening on the roof of the building, overlooking the cities and finding out about each other. He’s not at all like the men I’m usually attracted to, and I’m attracted to that. No pretenses, no random acts of kindness to be mistaken for performance from my own paranoia and distrust because lets-face-it-he’s-not-that-kind, and no expectations. He is such a bad idea.

I suppose in the days following my last failure at a relationship, I’ve stopped hunting for love and companionship. The longing for somebody to truly understand me without being presumptuous has long since dissolved by a series of let downs by people I’ve been emotionally invested in (not necessarily getting let down, but that I’ve got disproportionate expectations). I’m lonesome, but I’ll be okay. What friends I do have are completely wonderful and have been keeping me grounded and I’m finally glad I’m able to see that now.

I told him that I wasn’t looking for a relationship, and although I can’t see him because I’m staring off into the light pollution below us, I’m pretty sure he lets out a sigh of relief. I hate clingy guys. I hear him saying that we’d make a good team, but I don’t think he can see me smile in agreement. He’s gazing into the light-covered mountains in front of us.

I have the second of four oral surgeries in twenty minutes. I am not going to be very friendly this weekend, but I have the support from family and friends who wish nothing but the best for me :] Even though it’s going to feel like a horse kicked me in the jaw and I won’t be able to properly eat for the next month and I still have to study for my stupid midterms, I am the happiest I’ve been in a very long time.

Sometimes when I wake up in the morning, I sleep on my back to hopefully ease the damage to my body. Sleep paralysis isn’t so bad when I get it in the morning because I can see my surroundings and it’s more easier to rationalize things than if I were to have an episode of sleep paralysis in the dark when I can’t see a thing. So far every time I’ve slept on my back, I’ve had sleep paralysis. Whenever I get sleep paralysis and understand that I’m under it’s symptoms, I force myself to wiggle my fingers and toes to hopefully wake myself up. It occurred about three times last morning. I’d drift in and out of paralysis, waking myself up by forcing my hands to move and hoping that the rest of my body will follow. The hallucinations, however, haven’t really subsided. Luckily though, they’ve not been as scary (again, probably because I can see my surroundings).

This morning I heard myself trying to rationalize with me. I heard me–my own voice, telling me that my body was tired. I heard Dream Karen saying in my softest voice saying “Karen, you’re tired. I know your brain isn’t, but your body is, okay? Let it rest.”

When I was able to move again, I turned over to my side and slept. No sleep paralysis, but my arm hurts a little. The world just isn’t ready for two of me.

I went to the doctor’s today to check up on that superfun thyroid problem I have (amongst other things) and ended up finding out that I have an abnormal cyst in my pelvic area. They found the cyst when I had a CT Scan done when I was in the hospital a few months ago and didn’t think to inform me :/ I’m waiting on a call from the hospitals in Sunset to set up an appointment for an ultrasound.

Ugh.

Did I piss off somebody up there? Life is unusually cruel to me sometimes.

I think that’s one way I’ve changed in 2008 . . . comments like that would have normally been the start of a screaming match. She asked me why I wanted to go, and I tell her that one cavity has gotten so big that it cuts me when I run my tongue along it and the pain in my lower left side hasn’t subsided and I’m still having to numb down that area every so often. She looks at me and says “you can’t fix tooth pain”.

Maybe I can’t and I’ll be forced to numb down that area with oral analgesics for the rest of my life, but at least I’ll be sure that it can’t be helped. Maybe my dentist can find out why it’s hurting. I know he can fix that cavity. My mom doesn’t seem to understand that I just had gum surgery and that if I don’t regularly see a dentist, the problems will come back and I’ll be forced to go through that surgery again — and this time with less of a chance at such a good recovery.

But I did not get angry. In nine months, I’ll be 23 and the insurance will be pulled from under me. In fact, after the next oral surgery (I have three more) I’ll be forced to pay out of the pocket anyway. I’ll be on my own so if there’s any portion of my mouth that can be salvaged, I’ll do it. I’m done letting my mother decide what to do with my body because she knows I can’t pay for it myself.

Still, I wish she would at least try to understand . . . .

Right now, I’ve numbed myself over with over the counter Walgreens Brand Oral Analgesic. It doesn’t really work long term so I have to keep reapplying (what overdose warning?) every so often, but it lessens the pain a bit. Hopefully I can get some sleep.

I tend to get really upset when my mother rolls her eyes at me whenever I tell her that I need to go to the dentist. I know I’m a bit of a hypochondriac, but if anybody’s ever taken a good look at my teeth they could see the visible cavities that needs to be fixed or that I’m in serious need of dental help. I tend to just get that “Oh, Karen’s just wasting more money” look. But I’m less angry now, because I know that when I hit 23 in nine months, the insurance will be pulled from under me and I’ll be screwed in every which way. And since the crap insurance plan I’m under only grants one grand a year for dental visits and I need about 3k for the remaining oral surgeries, I’ll be already screwed after one surgery. So best just accept the fact that I’m going to be using upwards 4grand out of my own pocket on dental repairs and get over it. I am so past the physical pain and unnecessary drama that my crappy oral problems have brought me and am ready to take this head on.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to numb down my mouth.