“Gripping the receiver, I raised my head and turned to see what lay beyond the telephone booth. Where was I now? I had no idea. No idea at all. Where was this place? All that flashed into my eyes were the countless shapes of people walking by to nowhere. Again and again, I called out for Midori from the dead center of this place that was no place.”
-Haruki Murakami – Norwegian Wood
I just came back from the gym after running two miles and doing a series of random strength training and then proceeded to chow down on a Double Double. Nice one, Karen! But damn, this burger is delicious!
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Bon Iver – Blood Bank
There are too many things to love about this song. If you chopped me open and bled me dry so that you could steal everything that makes me human, this would be the song would be the music to a music video composed of my memories.
I’m not sure when this came about, but I’m having a night that requires this song to play. It is a long and lonely walk where I revisit old memories and problems that I have stashed away and ran from. Yet as soon as Blood Bank started to play, I am pulled back into the times and the moments of each memory in which this song was literally playing in the background. Nights on the mountains with L, staring at the stars from the moonroof in his car. We are two people in the same place, but my mind is thousands of miles away with the stars. Somewhere in these mountains is the coffee shop that we dreamt up, but I can’t find the entrance. The key hasn’t been crafted and the combination is wrong. L never asks what I’m thinking about and I indulge in the memories alone. You’ve gotten yourself locked out again. We’re giggling over the tiny little green truck only to find out that it belonged to a tiny little man. I’m on the train on my way home and Blood Bank is on repeat. I’ve missed you from the moment I stepped on the platform. I hate you and your stupid shoes that don’t have laces. I’m exhausted and confused. The song plays in the background like a heartbeat and in a week I’m in Chicago. I’m in front of the stupid Bean and I’m freezing my ass off. My green tea latte froze over ages ago and I’m afraid that my fingers would go next. I think to myself, “Fuck this. Never again.” I throw my empty cup away and proceed to get incredibly lost for the next five hours. I’m back in L’s car again, staring out the window. If he kept on driving north maybe we’d run into each other again and I don’t know how I’d feel about that. L’s no-talking rule in his car is in effect, and I’m left to my memories again. Not that I’d have much to say anyway. We are so broken. I don’t know where we go from here, and L drives on. After a while, everything seems to be okay. We are okay the way we are, right? The music plays loudly from my own car and I don’t know whether to drive towards you or to turn back. There is only north and south. That much, I know for sure. We’re on the hill that I got too scared to climb to the top of, because each step up meant a longer fall if I were to lose my balance. I don’t know what you’re thinking of, what kept you climbing. My face is white with fear because I don’t trust myself to not trip, and my faith in us is waning. Would you even notice if I fell? I’m insecure as hell and you are thousands of miles away. So we stop a few steps short from the top. My car is on park, and I don’t know when to take the song off from repeat. Right now, it’s the only thing I want to hear.
Sooooo I joined a gym! Haha. I also got suckered into getting a personal trainer for a year, since I am severely lacking in the motivation and willpower department. On Tuesday I skipped going to the gym because I wanted to level up in a video game I was playing. On top of that, nobody I know really thinks I need to exercise since I’m fine the way I am (I look fine, but I feel like a cow). The support is shot on my end :P
So yeah. I’ve been going to the gym on and off for a few days now. Yesterday I had my first session with my trainer and everything hurts. My thighs feel like jello and my calves are sore. Ergh. Gyms are for masochists.
I woke up around 4:00 am this morning yelling and screaming because I felt like somebody was trying to attack me. I woke up and rolled over only to find some gigantic warm wibbly thing on my body and I had NO idea what it was. I tried pushing it off and I yelled when I found out that the thing was fighting me back. So I kept on yelling and trying to push it off and for some reason my other arm wasn’t functioning properly so I just yelled some more. . . I honestly thought something was attacking me. My mom ran in and turned on the lights. Turns out, I had fallen asleep on my arm and it went completely numb. The wriggling feeling that I felt and was feeling off was just my arm trying to regain feeling again.
Anyway, I couldn’t get back to sleep for another half hour because my arm felt detached from my body and even when I told my arm to move and it obeyed, it still didn’t feel . . . all together. Everything moved okay, but it felt like my arm was still possessed by something else.
Duuuuuuuuuuuuuumb.
